Friendships

#23: Notes on close circles, building relationships, and love

Aug 27, 2023

I’m grateful to my friends and (almost) all people in my life.

Sometimes they teach new stuff, sometimes they make me laugh, and sometimes, their presence makes all the difference.

I was thinking about how I can express such solid friendships in this newsletter, and I decided to share my feelings, philosophies, and actions I take with my close circle.

So here we are, talking friendships.

Everything you read after this paragraph is random, independent brain dumps from what I can recall in the last 10 years. There is no specific order, and these views are extremely personal and not generalized (even though I sometimes talk in the second person.)

Messaging while they are asleep

Texting someone knowing they’re asleep is one of the purest forms of expressing love. It can be a meme, a good morning message before they wake up, just a few random snaps of what you’ve been up to, anything.

It shows you’re thinking about this person even when you know they’re not available to talk, respond, or reciprocate. Or just when you both are not actively talking.

I sometimes share cute lines, pictures, and songs to make my friends smile when they wake up. It’s a good feeling as a giver. I’m sure they’re enjoying it too.

Who do you think of when you are happy?

Think of the days you have the main character’s energy.

You’re acing at work, everything you touch turns into gold.
You’re socializing well, you hardly feel any void.
You’re getting enough time in solitude.

The peace meter is probably at its best. Touchwood.

“Who do you think of when you are living your best life?” is a person/group that means the world to you.

When life is not so good, when you are vulnerable, you tend to open up to people who you wouldn’t invite otherwise. If things get worse, you might even talk to a person you’d regret later.

But when life is good, you hardly give any fucks to people who don’t matter. Or let’s say you are not bothered with their actions or what they’re up to in their life.

You don’t try to make friendships you don’t need, you don’t try to talk to people who don’t reciprocate, you don’t search for a person to fill the void.

If at all you care, it’s for the people who mean the strongest of bonds to you.

Who do you want to first share the good news with?
Who do you want to check in with despite your happening schedule?
What group messages do you open at any cost, ignoring 100+ unread chats?

Maybe share this writeup with them and say ‘you’re this person for me’?

Showing love/concern even when everything is okay

In any kind of relationship, it’s important to express love just for the joy of it.

Love and friendships are not milestones you celebrate, it’s the moments you capture. And you don’t need an appointment for that.

Don’t say I love you for a reason.
Express randomly because you love them.
Don’t wait for the birthday to gift them their favourite hoodie.
Gift randomly because they love it.
Don’t wait for them to share good news.
Hug randomly because we all need it?
Don’t wait for weekends/long streaks of not meeting.
Make random plans because you wish to spend time together.
Don’t wait for them to crave a dish.
Cook randomly because they get surprised.

The same goes with concern.

Don’t ask, ‘Is everything okay?’ only when something feels off.

Show concern and tell them they can talk to you even when everything seems okay.

We don’t acknowledge enough

It’s easier to get mad at your friend for not showing up. It’s hard to acknowledge their efforts when they showed up despite a busy schedule.

When did you last thank your friend/partner for their efforts? Even if you didn’t say it, when was the last time you acknowledged it?

I’ll leave it here. You know what to do.

Making time

Be it for texting, video calls, or meeting in person, I have this line I always recall when I find myself in a situation hard enough to stop making time for my close circle:

One day, I will get busy and won’t be able to give the time my loved ones want from me.

But today is not that day.

I’ve been saying this to myself for over two years, and that day never arrived. I hope it never does.

Making time is not as complex as we think.

Your friend wants to go on a day out with you and you can’t?
Meet them for dinner.
You can’t meet them for dinner?
Talk on a video call for an hour.
Video call too tough?
Phone them and talk for 15 minutes.
That too is not possible?
Text them, check on them.

It’s your presence that really matters (most of the time), not the activity or the medium. It may not be exactly what they need, but at least it’s something.

And of course, make an arrangement asap.
Can’t meet on Wednesday? Block your Friday evening.

I am not lucky

If I can think of it this way, 80% of my skills are because of me. I practiced, worked hard, and put in the reps. 20% of contributions came from my friends/colleagues, etc.

But when it comes to my personality, I give all the credit to my inner circle.

I think better because of them.
I am kind because of them.
I have matured because of them.
I behave better because of them.
I understand consent, boundaries, and emotions because of them.

It wouldn’t be exaggerating to say they’ve shaped my personality for good.

If you like me as a person today or like my views, what I write, and how I behave, it’s all because of the closest people in my life.

But never in my life would I say to them: “What did I do to deserve you?”

I know I am not lucky.

I’ve made efforts, put in the time, and have been available whenever they needed me.

The relationship did not ‘happen.’
We ‘built’ it together.

And it doesn’t happen with luck.

If at all I was lucky, it was when I was forgiven quickly for the mess I made many times.